


You're Easier to Let go Than You Think

by Genkai



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, M/M, One Shot, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 11:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1386583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Genkai/pseuds/Genkai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time nearly killed you, why would you go for a second?</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Easier to Let go Than You Think

**Author's Note:**

> It's raining, I have a mess to clean and so of course I'd rather be writing.

To say it had been raining when it happened, would be awfully cliche. 

To say it had been pouring when the news reached James and Jeremy, would be even more cliche.

Actually it had stopped raining before the crash, Richard was testing a Koenigsegg around the Top Gear track. The make and model didn't really matter as Andy, the crew, and the Stig watched it happen in slow motion. Richard had said the track was wet but not wet enough to deter the segment from being finished. It was a chilly January, a fresh 2014. He had driven over to do some work and it was decided they could get the filming over with and deal with the voice over work another time since they couldn't keep the damned Koenigsegg much longer. It had to be today and Hammond was more than eager to give it a go.

The first hour was alright, he spun out a few times but swore he'd get the hang of it so they could get some good shots. It was a great car and Richard seemed to be having a fun time, testing the limits of himself as well as the vehicle. As it neared lunchtime, it started to rain again so they called Richard in and they ate sandwiches by the food truck. An hour later, the track had been laced with another new layer of slick rain. Hammond picked up his cell phone and handed it to a crew member so he could take a picture of him by the car so he could send it to Mindy and the boys. While they were probably inside drinking tea, he was out actually have a marvelous day. 

With the image sent, along with a message, he was ready to get back onto the track. He buckled himself in and took off. The first lap was gentle, allowing him to get a feel for the new conditions. He then picked up speed and started to get a little reckless. 

As everyone knew, a reckless Hammond was a dangerous one.

You could never get him to slow down, even as a child.

And that's when he spun out, flipped the Koenigsegg and skidded down the track until he hit the mushy grass. He had been going through the follow through, dodging the tires quite well and when he couldn't brake properly due to the wet track, he spun out, trying to keep the massive pile of metal and aluminum in check. A tire caught on some wet gravel as the speed was too much to slow it down. He missed the turn and had been going at roughly 222 MPH. The car spun and then flipped over twice before landing into a crumple of mud, grass and blood. The crew rushed over, as did the ambulance they had on standby.

Hopefully the roof acted as a roll-cage and Hammond hadn't been crushed. 

Hopefully the car had taken most of the impact and they'd find a laughing hamster in the drivers seat, saying that he had a bloody fantastic time doing that.

Hopes were dashed as the car wreck was examined.

While trying to get control back, Hammond suffered major injury. The ambulance got to work trying to get Hammond out of the car safely but it took more time than anyone wished. While the Stig stood there and was then ordered to go and help them, Andy quickly called Mindy and then Jeremy and then James. As if on cue, it started to drizzle again. Andy said he'd take Hammond to the nearest hospital and that they needed to hurry as it wasn't looking good. Andy wanted to remain positive and think that like last time, Hammond would recover and would be back to doing what he loved. As the ambulance drove off, a sinking feeling couldn't be ignored as Andy looked to take a look at the crash caught on camera.

Mindy was finishing some cleaning when she got the call from Andy. Deep down she already knew what he had to say, she could feel it in her heart. The girls were at home and Mindy did her best to stay strong, just like before. She hung up the phone and realized her hands were now shaking. Not again. Richard couldn't do this to her again. She got the girls dressed in their winter coats and got them piled into the car. She told them they had to go see daddy again because he got in another accident. At this truth, they grew quiet, remembering what had happened years ago. 

Thankfully they were old enough to not muck about as their mother hurried off to go find her husband.

Jeremy meanwhile, was out in London doing some writing in his flat for an upcoming column. He figured the incoming call from Andy would be that he had to come down and drive the Koenigsegg since little Richard couldn't handle it. Before he could crack a joke however, Andy hastily informed him that Richard was in fact, in trouble. Jeremy quickly hung up and hurried to his car. He paused when he sat down in the drivers side and looked at the picture Richard had sent only a short time ago. The pikey looked so happy, hair damp, tight jeans, grin on his stupid face. Could he do this? Could he try to hold himself together a second time?

If Hammond could, Clarkson would. He had to.

Sarah and James meanwhile, were at their flat in Hammersmith just drinking tea and talking about the upcoming series of Top Gear and what some of the ideas were. James answered his cell phone and quickly informed Sarah of the situation. Both people got into James' Panda and drove off, following the instructions Andy had sent them to reach the hospital. 

At the hospital, a team of doctors and surgeons were quick to get started on the poor driver. Hammond had suffered major injuries and on top of that, he hadn't been protecting his head. No one thought to have him wear a helmet as he was driving a simple but insane road-car. Andy blamed himself for not having Hammond wear a helmet and now it meant the possibility of losing his life. Andy, the Stig and some other concerned crew were in the waiting room when Jeremy reached them. "What's happened?" He asked Andy.

"Spun out, flipped, landed on the top side of the car, we don't know the extent of the damage." Andy said. What Andy wasn't telling Jeremy or anyone else for that matter was how bad it actually was. When he looked in on the wreck, he saw Hammond's right arm had been nearly severed off, only a bit was hanging on by the skin. His head had been smashed into the glass on the side of the window. His legs had been mostly unharmed though he had a lot of damage in his chest area, arms, back and head and those were very critical areas. "You need to just wait, like the rest of us." He put a hand on Jeremy's shoulder.

Andy was one of the few who knew that Jeremy and Richard had developed a rather close bond over the past few years. It all started at a party after work, everyone had been drinking and singing, because those two things went hand in hand. Jeremy and Richard ended up getting pushed on stage to sing something. It turned out to be a non-duet song called I Know What I Like by Genesis. Of course Hammond drunkenly slandered the band and the awful lyrics until he was blue in the face, while Clarkson tried to read the lyrics that popped up on the small screen. When he took out his reading glasses, everyone lost it.

It was such a hilarious sight to see, Hammond clinging onto Clarkson while cursing like a sailor. Meanwhile Clarkson was trying to sing and hold up the feisty diva. In the end, they only made it halfway through the song before they were pushed off stage. Hammond yelled at Clarkson for picking a rubbish song and Clarkson yelled back, saying that Hammond was too much of a shrimp to hold his liquor and at the mention of shrimp, Hammond excused himself to go throw up in the bathroom in the back of the bar.

The rest of the night was a blur, even to Andy.

Even so, he could have sworn he saw Jeremy leaning down, Richard trapped between his arms. He could have sworn they were making out in the back of the bar, the loud music and dim lighting may have been playing tricks on Andy. He didn't think much of it though. He later suspected something when he paid Jeremy a visit and noticed Hammond's motorbike parked nearby and that when he knocked, there was some sort of scuffle in the background. Jeremy opened it and the visit was quick as Jeremy had something important to get to. Andy left and stood by the door. Though he thought he heard Jeremy and Richard whispering to each other and rather than knock, the man just headed back down to his car, figuring it was best not to really know what was going on.

There were a few more instances like this, where Andy thought something was going on between the two. They just seemed so close, even with their banter, there was just something in the way they looked each other, even when fighting over their long running feud: Pagani versus Bugatti. But in the moment at the hospital, it seemed as though the producer wanted to comfort Jeremy who could possibly be hurting more than anyone else. Possibly even Mindy. James and Sarah arrived next and everyone all sat down, waiting for news from the doctors and waiting for Mindy and the girls to arrive.

The silence was stiff in the waiting room, no one said anything. Some people pretended to entertain themselves on their phones or with magazines but it was evident no one was able to tear their mind away from the short moron in surgery. An hour later, Mindy and the girls finally arrived and she had bad news, saying that the crash had been leaked by someone and that the press and paparazzi were already outside at hospital. Andy and some others went off to go deal with PR and everything else, while James and Sarah offered to go get everyone some tea. The day was starting to fade and without any word, no one knew how long they'd need to wait before they were told anything.

Mindy looked over at Jeremy who had just got off the phone with Francie. Francie was with the kids in another city, visiting family for the holiday and were on their way back to London to be with everyone. Andy wasn't the only one who had suspected something was going on between Hammond and Clarkson. Mindy had a feeling that they were having some sort of secret fling. She didn't have any proof per say but she just had a feeling. She and Richard didn't have sex much lately and the amount of texting going on between Richard and Jezza was enough to rival that of two teenage horny lovers who had been forbidden to see one another.

She loved Richard, she really did but she couldn't bring herself to ask Francie or even her own husband for that matter.

It was just too sad.

The doctor came out once tea had been distributed and asked to speak to Richard's wife. Mindy turned to James and Jeremy and asked them to come as well, they were as big a part of Richard's family as she herself was. The doctor stepped into the hallway and talked about the extend of the damage, he said they had tried everything but he was losing too much blood, too fast. They couldn't keep up with it and they couldn't fix all of the internal damage. He said that he had broken half of his ribs and they had punctured many important organs and vessels. He said his right arm had to be amputated after they attempted to reattach it. He mentioned the head injuries and bleeding inside his brain, the list went on and Mindy couldn't take anymore.

No one could.

Especially not Richard.

"There isn't anymore we can do, I'm so sorry." The man in the white coat said. "He's in a room now, where you can say your goodbyes."

"This can't be happening." Mindy cried and put her hands over her mouth. She had just seen Richard off that very morning, she kissed his cheek and he had given her a wave before heading to work. Her heart fell to the bottom of the floor and she turned away. She couldn't lose him. He had been so brave after the dragster accident and now this? Why was this happening? Not one for emotions, James excused himself and went somewhere down the hall. Jeremy just stood there, looking at the doctor as if he had just spoken in some alien language. 

"No, no." Jeremy said as Andy stepped out into the hall to hear the verdict. "Hammond's fine, he's gotta be..." He looked to Andy who understood just how bad it was. His fears confirmed. "He was just fine and now he's...and now he's dying, is that what you're telling me?" Jeremy's eyes were torn between glaring and crying. 

"Jeremy, this isn't his fault." Andy said.

"Is it your fault? Is it Hammond's? Is it mine?" Jeremy shook his head. "I need to see him." His attention back on the doctor. The doctor directed him to the room down the hall and Jeremy was surprised to find his feet had carried him there without accident. He entered the room and looked back to see Mindy hadn't followed him.

Good.

This was his time with Richard and it wasn't going to be spoiled.

Jeremy stepped over to see a figure laying in bed, his body covered in a sheet, except for his bandaged up head. Jeremy's insides squirmed at the idea of how much of a mess Richard's body probably was, even after so much attention had been given to him. Jeremy leaned over the boy and studied his bruised, cut up face. There was a bandage on his left cheek and for the longest time, Jeremy could have sworn he was looking at someone else. Some poor moron who had been speeding and drinking, someone who deserved to die. But no, this wasn't some stranger who got what he deserved, this was Richard Hammond, the kind, helpful, energetic, pipsqueak who didn't deserve such a lackluster ending.

"I wonder what you must have been thinking." Jeremy muttered, his heart thumping in his chest. "Were you scared or were you happy? Or were you thinking about picking up milk on your way home?" He reached over and placed his hand on the only one Richard had left. "Or were you thinking about me?" He swallowed. Jeremy couldn't believe this, he just couldn't. He heard someone knock and turned to see Mindy standing there. A surge of protectiveness overcame the tall chain smoker and he stood up in front of Hammond. Neither spoke as she just stood there, feeling like such an outsider.

"I thought you loved him." She just hummed and stepped into the room. "I had hoped...he didn't love you back." She said and walked around to the other side of the bed and looked at Jeremy. It wasn't the right time for this but it was going to be their only chance. 

"He did." Jeremy turned to her.

"But not enough to tell me, not enough to tell the world."

"Why should anyone but us have to know?" He asked her.

She shrugged and looked at her husband. "He was almost too good for either of us." She carefully traced her fingertip from the tip of his nose down to his lips. Mindy didn't want to fight, she wanted Richard to fight, to sit up and live, to breathe without a machine. She let out a shaky sigh and looked back over to Jeremy who was still holding Richard's hand. "I saw this coming, I mean I saw you and him and I thought I was just imagining things. I had hoped..." She took a step back and closed her eyes, trying to bat away the fresh set of tears forming in her eyes. "The truth is, I let go of Richard a long time ago. And you...you caught him." She moved and headed out the door. "He knows I love him, he knows I want him to fight and if he loves me-"

"Mindy, don't-"

"If he loves me, he'll find a way to fight. Because he loves me and not you." The rest was cut off by sobs as she just hurried back down the hall, needing some fresh air. Jeremy didn't move to follow her. He turned back to Richard and bend down, pressing his lips to Richard's. He could have stayed there forever, it wouldn't be comfortable, but he would do it if it meant never having to say goodbye. He stood up and felt the years hit him hard. Brief images of him and Richard flashed through his head.

Singing, drunk on Genesis at one in the morning.

Sitting on his lap, back at his flat in London, letting off steam over a few shots of vodka.

Curling up in bed together after a long day of filming on the road, confined to a dirty hotel room.

Exchanging secret kisses while on set at rehearsal, hoping no one saw.

Fighting about where to eat for dinner and who got to cover the bill.

Driving around the USA, Hammond wearing the biggest smile imaginable.

No.

Jeremy wasn't ready to let any of it go.

He looked to see the machine keeping Hammond alive and he wondered if he could just take it and roll Hammond to his flat. He'd keep him there, keep him safe. He knew it was a delusional idea and one he wouldn't really do but for a moment, he just wished he could stop everything and have one last moment with Richard, one real moment. Standing in a sterile room, the rain coming down hard outside, the end of Top Gear arriving, the brush with Mindy, none of it felt real to Jeremy Clarkson. It was so preposterous. He felt like he was going mental. The man didn't want to leave but he didn't want to stay either.

James and Sarah soon arrived, she was holding onto him and Jeremy reluctantly gave them some space. 

A parade of people went in to see Hammond and Jeremy was stubborn enough to sit by the door and wait until everyone had said what needed to be said. It was around eleven when the room had finally cleared out. Jeremy got to his feet and found that Andy had offered to take everyone out to eat at a diner Richard frequented. It was open 24/7 and they needed to eat something, they needed to let Richard go. Jeremy said he'd meet up with them down at the lobby and do a press release that Hammond had passed away. For now though, the pikey was still holding on and the doctors wouldn't take him off life support until Mindy had given them the okay.

"It's Jeremy's call. Not mine." Mindy whispered and joined Francie and Sarah in the group to head off and fill their empty stomachs, since their hearts couldn't be refilled anytime soon. Jezza walked back into the room and took his place back at Richard's side.

"I'm gonna miss you, mate. I'm gonna miss that cheeky smile and giggle of yours. I'm gonna miss you when we go out and have a drink. Though you'd have one and the rest of us would actually drink like men, you stupid pillock." He smiled a little. "I'll take Oliver off your hands, take good care of him." It's what Hammond would have wanted. "Or maybe I'll just toss it in a junk heap." He laughed bitterly, hoping that maybe that idea would get Hammond's attentiion. "I'll make sure Mind is okay too, I know we don't get along and now we probably want to murder each other but...she and you were..." Now it was becoming increasingly difficult to say his goodbye. "Maybe I'll let May have your blasted bikes, lord knows I want nothing to do with em." He smiled dryly.

"I'm not gonna miss the way you take your tea, I mean what kind of wanker puts in cream and sugar? You're such a child." He said. "And you're short, sure you're a nice armrest but you're just so short it's funny." He closed his eyes. "I'm not gonna miss having to hoist you up so I can kiss you." Actually he would miss that, even if it would give him back trouble the rest of his miserable life. "I'm sure as hell not gonna miss your rants about how amazing America is, because it's not. It's awful. It's full of fat imbeciles, drunk NASCAR fans, shit cars, and pointless politics." He calmed down, knowing his rage was only slightly misplaced at the moment. "I would have gone on some road trip with you, I mean without May, if you asked...I would have sucked it up and gone to the States."

"So if you wake up, we'll go right this second." He said and held his breath.

Nothing.

He wanted to kick that machine, it kept beeping and now it was mocking him. Why couldn't Richard just open his eyes one last time? "I don't want the last thing you see to be our shit track, Hammond. Look at me damnit." He said, leaning over the bed. Beep beep beep beep. "I need this. You need this."

"I need this." He said, chest hurting. Jeremy couldn't keep doing this, he couldn't keep holding onto someone who was already gone, circling the drain. "I need you." He struggled as tears formed in his blue eyes. "Hammond please, I'm begging here...I don't beg anyone for anything."

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

"I love you, okay? I love you more than I love myself. What more do you want from me? What do I have to do to make this better?" He cried. "I can't fix this with a bloody hammer, I need you to help me...just open your eyes." He pleaded. "We need a proper goodbye, not this half-assed piece of shit, in a hospital when it's raining. God awful." He begged, the weight pushing him down into dark places. "You think I'm going to miss you but I'm not. You're kidding yourself." The sorrow switched to anger as he stood up and rubbed his face. "You're easier to let go than you think, I'll find a replacement, some cute blond or gay chap and Top Gear will be better than ever. You'll be gone and I'll be fine." He let out another sob as his tone turned from forced joy to bitterness. "I'll be fine, don't worry about me. You just go on, go. Mindy doesn't need you and I don't."

The man let out a sigh and turned to exit the room.

That would be that.

He'd be fine without Richard Hammond. The world would move on and there'd be some sappy special on the telly depicting the so-called life of Richard Hammond and the world would still never knew that Jeremy Clarkson in fact needed and loved the shortie. The doctor approached him and asked if it was time. "Yes." Jeremy sighed and they both walked back in. "Just, hold on." He held up a hand and crouched down to Richard's level. "I won't be fine, I'll be a mess without you. If you thought I was bad now, wait until they pull the plug, I'll be lucky if I don't end up dying from alcohol poisoning or something else." He said. "But what matters is you, and you're not fine and you need to move on to wherever it is good people like you go." He took Richard's hand in both of his.

"I wish I could go with you, I know you wouldn't want to go alone so I hope you knew that as you crashed, I was sitting right next to you, calling you every name in the book." He smiled a little. He kissed Hammond's lips once more and stood up. "I won't let you go just yet but it's time you let me go, you clingy bastard." He turned back to the doctor and gave him a nod. "I love you, Richard, it's been a great ride." He sighed as the machine shut down and a long endless beeeeeep filled the room. Clarkson tuned out the rain and the flat-line as he walked out and pocketed his hands. Something was missing and that someone was never going to be replaced ever again. He headed down to meet with the others and to tell them Richard had finally passed.

Mindy wouldn't meet his eye and he just took Francie's hand and they headed out to deal with the press and everything else.


End file.
